I'm extremely lucky to be loved by those i love. They give me so much love, care, help, and money and things. Despite their generosity and kindness, in repayment I have simply become a liability to them, even though none of them will ever admit it. Of course, I know I didn't become their liability by choice, but it is still the case.Perhaps I'm thinking this way because of the tummy pains I keep having. I would say about 1/4 to 1/3 of the time the pain killer doesn't work. That's about 6 to 8 hours per day. However, I don't have the pain continuously for 6 to 8 hour nonstop in any given day. It is more like throughout a given 24 hours I may be in pain for a total of 6 to 8 hours. Half of such pains happen at night when I'm trying to sleep or am already sleeping but got woken up because of it. When the pain killer does work, I can still feel the discomfort in my tummy, but it's at a much more acceptable level.
Sometimes the pain is in various parts of my digestive tracks. Sometimes it is in my back. Sometimes it is in my pelvic bones. Thank God my brain seems to have limited capacity to process pain, because most of the time I can only feel it in one or two specific spots.
When I lie down in bed, I am unable to lie down flat with my face up for more than a few minutes. Lying down on my back or on my tummy or standing up very straight all seem to have become impossible positions for me to hold without inducing more pain. As a result, I don't stand around much any more. I sit whenever possible. And I sleep curled up like a fetus or a shrimp all the time - and yet, I can't seem to find any comfortable sleeping position any more.
Now I understand why the Buddhists say living in this world in painful. Because it literally is painful.
Sometimes I get really upset and depressed about all this pain I've been having. There are about four things I can do about it. 1) Watch a comedy movie. 2) Read a thriller novel. 3) Go shopping (online, when I'm not feeling well, which is most of the time.) 4) Cry. Sometimes I do all of 1) 2) 3) and still end up crying.
I know I really have no right to spend any more money considering I am not making any. Plus, I'm staying home all the time because I simply don't feel well enough to go out. So what's the point of buying any more clothes? Or shoes? Or handbags? Or anything at all? It's not like I get to enjoy those things like I used to. Like, back when I had a life, when I could go to work or dine out with family and friends, or just drive somewhere, anywhere. Now I do no such things any more. I really have to stop shopping but it's almost like an addiction much worse than quitting cigarettes.
When I'm not upset and depressed, I just sit in front of my computer. Lately I spend quite a lot of time playing games in Facebook. This is much cheaper than online shopping because it is absolutely free. (I would never pay money to get currency in games.) The good thing about Facebook games is that it kills a lot of time. I could simply sit there, focus on the games, and maybe forget about the pains for a while. But really I should be spending time on the stock market so that I may be able to make some money. And yet, I'm just not in the mood to do anything productive... Lately I'm just not in the mood, period.
And that's how I've become such a liability to those I love.
The only times I feel I'm not so goddamn useless is when Evie comes looking for me, or when Evie is naughty and I'm able to stop her crying while telling her why she could or couldn't do something, or when I'm feeding Evie and she eats a good portion, or when I'm able to calm her down and put her to sleep. Often times my family tells Evie not to come bother me all the time because I need rest. I know they are afriad I would exert myself too much because Evie is quite strong-willed and demanding. But I'm already not doing much at all. Evie at least motivates me to do something that makes me feel a bit more useful.
I really feel sorry for Stanley. When we got married, we had no idea I would turn out to be such a damaged good. I really feel sorry for my mom too because she has taken care of me and given me so much for almost 34 years and yet she still has to continue taking care of me and worrying about me and all that for who knows how much longer.
When will the pain go away, if ever??
4 comments:
if anything, the pain lets us know we are alive (gosh, imagine we can live lives feeling no pain? we will be terminators and universal soldiers)
The pain lets us balance and appreciate those times we feel needed and loved.
We're living in this world the way it is suppose to be.
Seeing the photo of you and little Evie from your previous blog post, I was just thinking how you are looking better, and then I read this post...
I feel sad that you are still feeling constant pain. But please don't feel that you are a liability.
People are not goods. People are not investments. We care about the others because of love, not for returns. When you feel ill, let others take care of you; at times you feel better, you would be the one taking care of others, or be the important support / encouragement of the ones you love.
Ka and I are finally fully recovered from our cold, so when you feel better and wouldn't mind some accompaniment, let us know and we can drop by to visit (and play with Evie. :))
Mia you are not a liability. You are our friend, a beloved wife, unreplaceable mother, and much loved daughter and sister. I have never been in your situation with such prolong physical pain. I can only imagine how helpless you may feel some times. I will keep you in my prayers
Dear Mia,
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my father and I did everything we could to care for her. From driving to medical appointments, to holding her when she cried. It was the most stressful year of my life, but my father and I would have done it all over again without any regret. She's family. Period. Those who care for you want to be there to cheering you on, just like you would do the same for them. I can appreciate that when you're use to being independent, becoming dependent on others isn't easy. You're doing so well. Thank you for sharing so honestly about your journey on your blog. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
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