Phase 2 Week 4

After missing 2 weeks of chemo, my liver numbers finally declined to normal. I saw 3 doctors on Friday. My radiation dr gave me my regular pain killers and anti-nausea med. He hoped I could continue chemo asap. The digestive system specialist thought the spike in my liver number was caused by the chemo (Cisplatin) and there was possibly something wrong with my immune system which caused my liver would react this way (normally Cisplatin doesn't affect the liver). He recommended me to see an immune systems specialist if problem persists. My chemo dr thought it would be a very rare case if my liver was sensitive to Cisplatin and it would be even more rare for me to have the kind of immune systems problem that might cause my liver to react this way. So his conclusion was that I should try chemo again and see what happens.

I've been feeling better and better. This week I tried Wakamoto to tackle my digestive problems (constipation and diarrhea) and it seems to be working. Also I find my pain has decreased. All in all I am feeling more energetic and it is consistent with my radiation dr's finding: my tumor has decreased in size. However, I'm still cautious not to overexert myself so that I don't accidentally make myself feel worse then I could be feeling :D So far so good!

This weekend there was a 50% rebate sale at eReader.com so I stocked up on my ebooks. I've finished all the available ebooks from James Rollins. Moving on to David Baldacci and Brad Thor - I already read one book from each and found them to be OK. So I just bought all their available ebooks since I read so fast these days.. My hubby said he's glad I'm into ebooks, not paper books; otherwise I'd need a library to hold all the books I'm reading.

Thank you for thinking of me!

A year ago, I read a book about how human thoughts (or intentions or prayers) can alter the state of atoms before they were measured or observed at the quantum level. The book cited many scientific experiments.. The book is called The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart. I couldn't help but wonder how powerful our thoughts could be. I cannot say I believe it 100% but I cannot ignore the potential of such power, especially in my current circumstances.

Last Friday, I asked the Dr. about my persistent nausea despite the omission of chemotherapy. He suggested I get a brain MRI because nausea could be a symptom of brain tumor. I was scheduled for the MRI on Monday morning and would review the scans with the Dr. right afterwards. So I thought, OK. Only one weekend to endure the suspense.. I chose to keep this to myself for two reasons. 1) I did not want my family's weekend ruined by worrying whether I had brain tumor or not and 2) I did not want anyone thinking I may be having brain tumor and unknowingly cause it to become true. I decided I would let my family know about it when I know the result of the MRI. The result was a good one. I don't have any sign of cancer or any tumor in my brain. So we can all relax :) My nausea is due to radiation treatment.

I know many of you out there are praying for me and my family or wishing me well and thinking of us frequently. I am truly grateful about it. Here is what I would like you to do for me, when you pray or think of me and my family:

"Mia is winning against the cancer and becoming healthy again. I'm going to see her and her family and friends at her 60th birthday party."

I know it will cross your mind to think about the worst scenario - I do think about it sometimes because I'd like to be prepared for the worst - but please try not to linger on such pessimistic thoughts because you may be unknowingly adding fuel to my cancer. If you want me to live longer, please think "Mia is winning against the cancer and becoming healthy again. I'm going to see her and her family and friends at her 60th birthday party." Throw in some visuals about my 60th bday party if you like. I promise it will be a big party and a very happy one too. I will give a speech on stage for sure. Most likely accompanied with a PowerPoint presentation as is my style. It will not be long and boring (I hope). I intend to be as humorous as I can.. Hopefully with the passage of time I will become a better speaker. There will be some dancing too. I especially like waltz, cha cha, and salsa. I will not drink wine but I will try to go to every table to speak to everyone. I'd say tentatively the date will be Saturday December 15, 2035, so I can celebrate my birthday on my beloved brother's birthday since his birthday happens to be a Saturday (mine is Wednesday the 12th). The place will be in Taipei Taiwan. It will be a dinner party. We'll be buying the wine from Catherine and Naoki. And I'll attend to more details when we come closer to the event.. I think I should set up the event in my facebook. I wonder if they allow such advanced booking? LOL.

Remember, say to yourself that "Mia is winning against the cancer and becoming healthy again. I'm going to see her and her family and friends at her 60th birthday party."

Thank you so very much for thinking of me!

Phase 2 Week 3

I felt really good and energetic on Monday morning. I was all ready for the chemo stay at the hospital. I even packed my own lunch with meat sauce made by David, complete with fruits. I was in a real good mood.

Usually on Mondays I would go in and get blood test done first. Then I wait for the result to determine if I am able to receive chemo or not. Unexpectedly, I was rejected this week. The nurse told me my two liver health indicators are too high to safely receive chemo. The two numbers were in the 18-25 range in the previous 2 weeks but this wk they were about 250. Normal is about 50. She consulted with my chemo dr. and the decision was to stop chemo until we know what is wrong with my liver. I was scheduled an ultrasound examination the next day, and another blood test on Thursday. The ultrasound didn't reveal anything remarkable, which meant no visible cancer in liver. The blood test was confusing as one indicator went higher to 500 something, and the other number went down to 100 something. Chemo dr. decides he cannot give me chemo next Monday either. I'll have to meet with a digestive system specialist on Monday to see what is wrong with my liver before he considers resuming my chemo.

In the mean time, I still continue with radiation treatment. However, the effectiveness of radiation treatment alone is not as good as radiation combined with chemo. The success rate is about 80% with chemo and 70% without. So I really hope we will be able to debug my liver as soon as possible so I can resume chemo during my remaining radiation treatment.

I'm not sure if it was because of the abrupt stop on chemo or what. I haven't been feeling well since Wednesday. I had constipation again for a couple of days and followed by diarrhea for a couple of days. I've been having more pain in my tummy. I've also been feeling more nauseated since Thursday and I actually puked a little on Friday night. I thought I should feel less nauseated without chemo but it seems I got more nauseated towards the end of the week. But then again, in Phase 1 I was also nauseated from radiation alone (towards the end when I was done with chemo) so I shouldn't be surprised.

However, bodily discomfort did not hamper my good moods. I continue to feel good about being alive and being me. I think I am the luckiest person in the world. My family takes such good care of me and my hubby and my daughter. While I'm being treated, I don't need to worry about anybody else or work or anything at all. My sole responsibility is to get well again - Have you ever heard of any other sick person who has no responsibilities other than his/her own sickness?! So I am really really fortunate, much more fortunate than any of my family members who have to take care of me, take over my responsibilities, and on top of all that still have to worry about my well being. I am really grateful for the love and support from my family and friends. I must beat the cancer so I'll be able to repay them a little!!

Latest family photo

It's been a while since the three of us had a photo together... So I asked hubby to try one while we talked on Skype. Evie seemed to have a lot of fun while daddy tried to take the picture.

How I wish I could be there with them!!!!!!

Freeze! Hold your wallets please!

LOL.. OK. I was surprised when my cousin Alice mentioned that the bit about luxury goods' possible enhancement on my will to survive may inspire my loved ones start buying things for me... STOP!! STOP!! Drop your wallets and don't move a cent!! It will not help me if anybody spends big money to give me something that I may or may not like. I really don't need gifts from anybody. All I need is your presence :) So I must let you know that 1) I am extremely picky in the things I buy and 2) I'm really not that materialistic..

Here are a few examples of things I've bought since treatment started: an LV wallet, a Prada handbag, and a Samsung S7350. The wallet I needed because of the big bills I have to pay at the hospital - cash only. The handbag because my wallet is so nice that I wanted a nice handbag to hold it too. The cell phone because I like it's design and decided I'd give the Korean brand a chance.



Please don't try to buy any luxury goods for me!! I know you all love me and I am extremely thankful for that!!

Phase 2 Week 2

I've been nauseated and constipated this week, but on the good side, I've been eating high protein meals. So, all in all, it was a much better week than the first.

I spoke to my dr. on Tuesday about the unidentified liquid they discovered in my tummy. The dr. said very frankly (as was his style to lay out the worse first) that they had very worried about it based on my week 1 reactions to treatment. He said if I had suffered more pain in the tummy regularly about half an hour after each radiation treatment, then the chance would be high that my tummy (intestines) is spread with cancer, and if that had been the case, then he would have called all my family together to decide if I should stop being treated. Because if such a large area is full of cancer then my current treatment will not save my life. So he wanted me to monitor my pain but he also told me I looked a lot better than the previous week.

As I was still digesting this bit of news about how terrible the liquid in my tummy could mean, I came home and the first person around was my dad who came to visit. Being a big mouth like I am, always thinking aloud without much consideration for people's feelings, I told dad what the dr told me, and scared the hell out of him. I told my hubby, I also told a couple of friends about it, as if it were a threat that worried me. I'm sorry if I scared any of you out there!! The next day, when my head cleared about this tummy liquid issue, I'm not worried about it any more. And I don't think anybody should worry about it for my sake either.

The thing is, I have cancer, and there is always the risk of an uncontrollable spread causing death, be it now, few months from now, 5 years from now, or 20 years from now, nobody knows, and maybe I won't even die from cancer but some unforeseeable accident, or maybe a heart attack. Who knows? So what's there to worry about? There is really no reason to fear.

What I should be worrying about is to keep my mind and body and spirit all working towards the goal of living. Right now the objective on my body is: run through the treatment without complications. I've got clear directions from my doctors. I need to maintain weight. Eat high protein meals. Small and multiple meals. Make sure I've got enough blood counts to receive weekly chemotherapy. Manage my nausea and constipation and anxiety and what not so that nothing will interfere with chemo and radiation treatment. Try not to get infected. Etc. Week 1 was bad, I lost a lot of weight. I think I'm doing reasonably well this week though. I'll do better as days go by like in Phase 1.

Managing my body is a lot easier than managing my mind and spirit. The problem is, I believe life is good long or short. People hurt a bit when somebody dies but they always recover and they'll still live good lives. I don't believe the world will miss me or I will miss the world when I part with it. I believe life is a journey of all kinds of interesting experiences and learning. The memory of it will always be good no matter what happens. This makes me sound like I'm kind of detached to the world - not a very good motivator to drive away cancer cells nibbling at my body! So I think more about my family. About the future experiences we could share together if I stay longer. Like watching my mom become a truly old looking grandma but ever so sociable and grand. My dad becomes a fulltime farmer and cook and he starts talking on and on like my grandpa does now. My brother becomes a husband and father and how that will change him. Evie becomes wife and mommy. My hubby and I become really old and wrinkled couple and we still can't stop saying Evie is so damn cute..

I can't possibily name everything I'll miss out if I lose to cancer so soon. So it's become a mental exercise to me to think about what I look forward to in the future. I'm luring myself to stay longer, for a better chance to share more life with those who love me. I'm giving myself incentive to stay alive. Mentally I'm motivating myself by thinking about the future I'd like to experience. Physically I'm buying things that makes me feel it's wonderful to be here enjoying such things. It hurts my bank account but when I'm out of this and when Evie goes to school, I will be working and making money right? If earthly luxuary goods fuels my will to stay alive, then it's what I will spend money on. If I make my mind and body and spirit all working towards the same goal of a strong will to live and beat this cancer, I believe I will become an old and wrinkled grandma one day.

evie's big smile

thanks to my mom showing up next to me.. evie gave us a big smile that i was able to capture on skype this morning :)

she also had her first haircut from someone other than her mom today.. for the first time in her life.. apparently the hairstylist didn't like how i cut evie's hair...

o well, i'm no pro. i think she looks cute no matter how i cut her hair.

phase 2 week 1

today is my day off.. finally!! after a long week of nausea and drowsiness.. i'm still very nauseated at the moment but it can't be helped. according to the dr., he's already given me all the anti-nausea medication he can give me. if i still can't stand this then he can only hospitalize me and have me hooked to iv for anti-nausea med, nutrition, and sleep. i don't want that. so here i am, living with constant nausea. today i shook off the drowsiness because apparently it was due to the supplementary pain killer i was taking. so i'm more alert today, which may seem like an improvement. i don't know. i finally cracked 2 days ago and started crying everyday because this is simply so.. i don't know. uncomfortable i guess. but i gotta say it has been better than the first week in phase 1. i remember back then i wasn't even able to eat, and i was walking at a snail's pace. right now at least i'm still able to eat, no matter how picky or how little. at least i'm able to down some food, and i did not puke for the whole week, even tho i retched many times. i managed to keep what i ate so i guess that was good.. i think it's self-pity that drives me to write this kind of blog. just venting. i know my condition is nothing compared with what some other people are suffering but i just can't help it.. this morning i finally saw evie on skype, but she was at my grandparents place and was excited to run around so she didn't cared for me. that made me cry a lot too. she doesn't seem interested to see me on skype any more. later on, mom came downstairs to see how i was doing. i had skype on again and evie was home this time. i told her hey evie come see your grandma! and she actually came over and gave us a few big big smiles and kisses.. seems like i need to either get my mom or my bro on my side to get her attention now. o well.. i don't think crying is all that bad for me anyway. it is.. another way to vent and a distraction from nausea. i'm hoping i will not resort to taking the anti-nausea pill that will put me to sleep this afternoon so that i'll be able to go shopping. i think i need a bigger wallet for my hospital trips. they don't take credit card for anything below NT$100,000 or something. crazy.

sorry i didn't mean to sound so depressed or anything.. just writing out what i'm feeling that's all. don't worry. even tho i'm showing all signs of weaknesses i'm still determined to ride it out. i think the first 2 wks is the hardest, judging from experience... hopefully i'll feel much better in the wks to come. i can only hope for better, can't i?!

thanks so much for listening/reading... i really appreciate all of your support and it really means a lot to me to know that so many people care about how i'm doing. thank you. thank you so very much~