i've become such a liability to those i love.

I'm extremely lucky to be loved by those i love. They give me so much love, care, help, and money and things. Despite their generosity and kindness, in repayment I have simply become a liability to them, even though none of them will ever admit it. Of course, I know I didn't become their liability by choice, but it is still the case.

Perhaps I'm thinking this way because of the tummy pains I keep having. I would say about 1/4 to 1/3 of the time the pain killer doesn't work. That's about 6 to 8 hours per day. However, I don't have the pain continuously for 6 to 8 hour nonstop in any given day. It is more like throughout a given 24 hours I may be in pain for a total of 6 to 8 hours. Half of such pains happen at night when I'm trying to sleep or am already sleeping but got woken up because of it. When the pain killer does work, I can still feel the discomfort in my tummy, but it's at a much more acceptable level.

Sometimes the pain is in various parts of my digestive tracks. Sometimes it is in my back. Sometimes it is in my pelvic bones. Thank God my brain seems to have limited capacity to process pain, because most of the time I can only feel it in one or two specific spots.

When I lie down in bed, I am unable to lie down flat with my face up for more than a few minutes. Lying down on my back or on my tummy or standing up very straight all seem to have become impossible positions for me to hold without inducing more pain. As a result, I don't stand around much any more. I sit whenever possible. And I sleep curled up like a fetus or a shrimp all the time - and yet, I can't seem to find any comfortable sleeping position any more.

Now I understand why the Buddhists say living in this world in painful. Because it literally is painful.

Sometimes I get really upset and depressed about all this pain I've been having. There are about four things I can do about it. 1) Watch a comedy movie. 2) Read a thriller novel. 3) Go shopping (online, when I'm not feeling well, which is most of the time.) 4) Cry. Sometimes I do all of 1) 2) 3) and still end up crying.

I know I really have no right to spend any more money considering I am not making any. Plus, I'm staying home all the time because I simply don't feel well enough to go out. So what's the point of buying any more clothes? Or shoes? Or handbags? Or anything at all? It's not like I get to enjoy those things like I used to. Like, back when I had a life, when I could go to work or dine out with family and friends, or just drive somewhere, anywhere. Now I do no such things any more. I really have to stop shopping but it's almost like an addiction much worse than quitting cigarettes.

When I'm not upset and depressed, I just sit in front of my computer. Lately I spend quite a lot of time playing games in Facebook. This is much cheaper than online shopping because it is absolutely free. (I would never pay money to get currency in games.) The good thing about Facebook games is that it kills a lot of time. I could simply sit there, focus on the games, and maybe forget about the pains for a while. But really I should be spending time on the stock market so that I may be able to make some money. And yet, I'm just not in the mood to do anything productive... Lately I'm just not in the mood, period.

And that's how I've become such a liability to those I love.

The only times I feel I'm not so goddamn useless is when Evie comes looking for me, or when Evie is naughty and I'm able to stop her crying while telling her why she could or couldn't do something, or when I'm feeding Evie and she eats a good portion, or when I'm able to calm her down and put her to sleep. Often times my family tells Evie not to come bother me all the time because I need rest. I know they are afriad I would exert myself too much because Evie is quite strong-willed and demanding. But I'm already not doing much at all. Evie at least motivates me to do something that makes me feel a bit more useful.

I really feel sorry for Stanley. When we got married, we had no idea I would turn out to be such a damaged good. I really feel sorry for my mom too because she has taken care of me and given me so much for almost 34 years and yet she still has to continue taking care of me and worrying about me and all that for who knows how much longer.



When will the pain go away, if ever??

Having the first cold in the recent 3 years

It's been 9 days since I got this cold. I've been feeling mostly stuffy and runny nose, some coughs, sore throat at night, and a bit drowsy. I've used up numerous tissues and my nose is still producing forever more. This cold is however nothing compared with the kind of colds I used to get 3 years ago.

Ever since I left high school, I was getting hit with the cold more frequently as the years went by. Each cold usually took me 3 -4 weeks to get rid of. My "career high" was in the fall of 2004, when I started working at AIRMILES. I was having the cold almost every month for the whole season. Then I started taking Cold FX, which sort of helped stop the nonstop colds I was getting. I was still getting the cold every couple of months. Such was the way of life, I felt. Then the strangest thing happened when I got pregnant with Evie. It was like I was suddenly immune from the cold.

After I gave birth to Evie in July of 2007, I was still immune from the cold. So I thought I was much healthier than before because of all the activities of being a mom. But of course, I was sadly mistaken, because in late November of 2008, I was diagnosed with cancer. So I received 2 rounds of radiation+chemo therapy, December 08 to January 09, and June to July 09. People kept telling me my immune system was down during chemo, but still I was perfectly immune to the cold, while people around me took turns to get it. Isn't that funny?

So... After the pregnancy, breastfeeding, and cancer, during which time I never once got a cold, now I'm sort of back to some kind of normal state? Whereby I am able to get the cold again? Then it must be a good thing that I am no longer immune to the cold! I so want to be normal agian.

In Toronto

Monday night, I arrived Toronto airport. After I got through immigrations, as I was walking towards baggage claims, my eyes were suddenly wet. I was very much alive, and I was going to see Evie!! I felt kind of silly as I silently wiped off my tears.

Hubby came to the airport to pick me up, with my 2005 330xi. I forced him to let me drive home. How could I resist, after almost no driving since late last November when the war against cancer began? It's really been too long.

We got home in Evie's delightful screams of Ma Ma this and Ma Ma that. She has a lot more vocabs and facial expressions compared with half a year ago. Her movements are also a lot more confident and stronger. We kept looking at each other from various angles - something we couldn't quite accomplish in Skype. She was quite excited and me very happy :)

Tuesday, we gave Evie a day off school so I get to reacquaint myself with her. We took the afternoon nap together. I slept more than she did because of jet lag. She just played silently in her crib without waking me up. Finally I got up at around 5pm. We went to my grandparent's place and had dinner with them. Evie's scared of the dog now. She would not walk by herself if the dog was around.

I'm not putting in a lot of effort in adjusting my jet lag. I'm back on 2 pain killers a day and I've still been in a lot of pain these days. A little bit of diarrhea everyday since I arrived. Perhaps I'm not used to the food here. I hope I won't have to take 2 types of pain killers.. But it's been quite painful so far.. Dunno what I can do about it..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Going to Toronto on 10/26!!

Yes! I'm going to see Evie next Monday!

The MRI and bone scan results were all good. No sign of cancer. Only signs of radiation treatment detectable on the scans. Yay yay yay!

On the flip side, my tummy and back pains have intensified a bit and i'm now back on pain killers everyday (and still feel the pain). Radiation doctor said yes this is expected because of fibrosis. My intestines are sticking to each other and the walls of my organs (that were exposed to radition) are thickening. He doesn't seem to know how long this pain will last. He only told me it all depends on the individual. Also, I should expect blood in my poo 3 years from now. When that happens, I shouldn't be alarmed.. As I was feeling hopeless about such long lasting side effects from radiation, the doctor informed me that I will no longer see him any more. I guess his job is completed. No more cancer to be radiated. My follow ups will be done with gyne and chemo doctors.

This revelation conjured an image of a ruined city in my mind. I'm the ruined city. Radiation was the army. Now that the cancer's been killed, it's time for the army to leave. And what am I to do with this ruined city that is my body with the neverending pain? Not the army's problem...

Anyway, I should be happy that cancer is nowhere to be seen in all of the scans I've done. However, I'm beginning to feel that I may need some spiritual help.. I should be grateful that I am living. I should not complain about the pains and sores that are now part of my life. But I'm really not such a strong person. So please forgive me when you hear me complain about the pains and sores. I don't know what to do with it yet. And it makes me such a dependent person, relying on my family for everything. I know I'll get better.. I just don't know how long this process is going to take.

In pain or not, I'm still very excited that I finally got the go aheads from all the doctors. I'm going to Toronto on 10/26 and returning to Taipei on 1/8. I'm a little scared about how I'll feel after the long flight - how long it'll take me to overcome the fatique and jet lag.. But I'll be with Evie and hubby. It'll be good :)

準備回加!! Preparing to go back to Canada!!

為了準備我將獨自飛回加拿大的旅程,
路上沒有老公幫我背電腦,

我買了這個傳說中的低年級小學生拉桿書包...

In my anticipation of flying back to Canada alone
without hubby's help in carrying my laptop,
I bought this wheeler backpack
designed for kids in grade 1 - 3...
(meant for books/elementary school, for Asian kids, of course...)



需要拖大件行李的時候就用背的...
I can use it as a backpack
when i need to drag some large luggage around...



行李托運之後就可以拉著跑了!
After checking in my luggage, I can just drag it around on wheels!



這.. 真的是為小學生上學而設計的嗎??
我用剛剛好耶!!
Is this really designed for elementary students?!
It's perfect for me!!

OK.. I don't actually know when I can go back to Canada. But, I am prepared to go as soon as the doctors give me the green light! Even if I can only go for 2-3 weeks, I will still make the trip. I miss my daughter and hubby so very much. It's been nearly half a year since I last hugged Evie. I'd love to see my in-laws and my grandparents and aunt and cousin and my friends too... and let's not forget my beloved 2005 BMW 330xi, black on black, fully loaded and debugged (bought second-hand and had made many trips to the shop to work the kinks out)... I haven't driven any car for nearly half a year too..

Today I had bone scan and pelvic MRI done. I found out that I'm simply unable to lie still on my back - it hurts like hell after a few minutes. Lying face down is a tiny bit better, which was how I had the MRI.. No wonder I've been sleeping on my side all this time. Anyways. Results will be out on 10/14, when I will meet with the doctors again and discuss my returning to Canada!! Mua Ha Ha Ha!! Yes my spirits are high, even if I am still in pain all the time. Perhaps the pain and the digestive problems are going to be my life long companions - FINE!! So long as I'm rid of cancer!!

i miss Evie very very very much~

i had thought that it would be good for Evie to be with her cousin Ella. but apparently i'm sadly mistaken. because Evie lives with Ella and her parents (Stanley's sister and brother-in-law), she observes first hand how Ella is with her parents all the time. Evie tells her aunt that her aunt and uncle care for Ella, while her own dad and mom care for her and that she wants her dad and mom back.. (姑姑姑丈錫妹妹,爸爸媽媽錫Evie.爸爸媽媽返嚟..) so the current arrangement no longer works. she's refusing to eat and sleep at school, and has huge temper at home as well. of course it takes time to adjust to school.. but i realized it is simply no good to separate her from her parents, no matter what the circumstance... so immediately Stanley changed his flight ticket to head home on Friday. i hope daddy's presence will help calm her down and make her happier. if in October the doctors tell me I can travel long distance, i will go see Evie immediately. If the doctors still think i should be grounded, then i hope Stanley will bring Evie to Taipei for a visit. if he finds a job here, then we could stay here for 2 years or until I no longer require such frequent hospital visits. If I'm only getting checkups every half a year, we can all move back to Canada and I'll just fly over alone for those checkups....

i just worry that our prolonged stay in Taipei might cause inconvenience to my family here, and Stanley's career may be jeopardized if he's working 2 years in Taipei then start it all over again back in Toronto.. And pay in Taiwan seems so much lower than in Canada while living expenses seem the same.. But if it's only for 2 years maybe we could pull it off? Evie doesn't need to be in school so young if I'm with her all day long...

anyways. once again planning seems useless to me. perhaps i should stop my logical mind in decision making... perhaps it is better to make a few emotional decisions, especially ones concerning Evie?? it breaks my heart to know she misses us like we miss her...

post-treatment results part 1 of 2

The abdomen MRI came out good. The tumor in abdominal lymph node shrank from 3-5 cm to 1 cm. They also got a good look at my liver and found it in perfect shape. I will be getting a pelvic MRI in October that will cover cervical area as well as the abdominal lymph node so we'll make sure pelvic area stays clean and the abdominal tumor continues to shrink. I've been having some abdominal pains lately and doctors said this could be the side effects of my radiation treatment from Canada - my intestines are all sticking to the right side and they may have become sticky which cause the pain. So... I'm back on pain killers, on and off. I just hope the October MRI scan will also give me good news. I'll live with the pain. Waiting is really becoming annoying.. but this is also something I have to live with because I can never be certain I'm out of danger, at least not for 2-5 years..

However, I am missing Evie very very much and I'm not happy to see that she's become unhappy too - perhaps because she misses her parents plus her recent enrollment to montessori.. She's spent 4 days at the montessori now and except for the first day, she's become very emotional and unhappy. We think it's time daddy goes back home to be with her. I have to wait until I get an all-clear from the doctors to travel... I hope to go in late October!

Waiting for the 9/3 MRI...

I've been in a pretty good mood these days. Other than the occassional shopping and dinning out, I've been doing the following:
1. Skype with Evie
2. Watching a few stocks in the US market, managing my little portfolio trying to make a few bucks
3. Learning German using Rosetta Stone
4. Swim
5. Make (and drink) my daily multi-fruit/veggie drink
6. Play the digital piano
7. Read books on my iPhone 3G (eReader)
8. Play games on my iPhone 3G
Time goes by pretty quickly this way. I'm looking forward to the MRI scan on 9/3 and my next doctor's appointments on 9/11. Once we know how I'm doing, we'll be in a better position to decide what next...

We seriously considered settling in Taipei but find it not a realistic option. Here are the pros and cons of moving to Taipei:
Pro 1: I am close to my parents and bro
Pro 2: I have easy access to very good medical care. I can be proactive in managing my health: pay for tests/scans I'd like to get done and find problems sooner than later.
Con 1: Housing costs 2-3 times more than in Toronto
Con 2: Salary in Taiwan is low - both of us need to work to support ourselves
Con 3: We have nobody to take care of Evie (I don't trust any none-family help, and not that we can afford them anyway)
Con 4: Evie will be the only child in the household
Con 5: Evie's education - eventually we'll still want her to receive North American education
Con 6: We are away from my grandparents, who are 80+ in age, and they really love Evie

Pros and cons of returning to Toronto:
Pro 1: Housing we already have
Pro 2: Just hubby working can already support ourselves
Pro 3: I can take care of Evie with the help of Stanley's mom and sis
Pro 4: Evie has the company of Ella (Stanley's sister's daughter, who's 1 year younger than Evie)
Pro 5: We are close to my grandparents
Pro 6: Evie's education will be exactly what we want her to receive
Con 1: Medical care in Canada is more reactive with no options to get tests/scans done if the doctor deems unnecessary, not even if I'm more than willing to pay for it.
Con 2: I'm away from my parents and bro

It seems I will have much less to worry if we do not move to Taipei, regardless of my health situation. My top priority is Evie and my preference to stay home for a few years until I'm no longer haunted by cancer and that Evie becomes old enough to go to school by herself. Of course, I accept the possibility that my analysis is not thoroughly objective; therefore, I welcome any thoughts and recommendations from you people~ Thanks a lot!

說話的藝術

急事，慢慢的說
大事，清楚的說
小事，幽默的說
沒把握的事，謹慎的說
沒發生的事，不要胡說
做不到的事，別亂說
傷害人的事，不能說
不開心的事，找對對象說
開心的事，看場合說
傷心的事，不要見人就說
別人的事，小心的說
自己的事，聽聽別人怎麼說
尊長的事，多聽少說
夫妻的事，商量著說
孩子們的事，開導著說

有一天坐計程車, 他椅背上掛了這幅字. 我覺得這是老天給我的機會教育. 因為我這個人就是太口沒遮攔了. 常常心裡想到什麼事就講出來. 尤其是跟家人和好朋友. 也不管對方想不想聽, 有沒有心情聽, 聽了我的胡言亂語之後會有什麼感想, 會不會受傷害等等. 真的是很不替人著想.

自我反省中.

差點被騙的經歷

常常聽人說在台灣要小心詐騙集團. 我以前對這個名詞沒什麼特別的感覺, 可能想說"詐騙集團"就等於"很多騙子"吧. 可是我錯了. 他們真的是"集團". 他們的作業是有組織, 有計畫, 有分工的.

話說昨天下午五點左右, 我跟老公正準備出門騎腳踏車. 我接到一個電話, 來電顯示是:
(02) 2162-6698

對方跟我說她是Happy Go, 問我是不是上禮拜買過東西. 我說是, 錢也付了, 貨也收了, 請問有什麼問題. 她說送貨的人來的時候拿錯單子. 問我單子是誰簽的. 我說就樓下的管理員哪. 她說我的管理員也沒看就簽了, 那張是簽說我同意12個月為期的分期付款. 這中間的收訊蠻差的. 我一開始搞不懂她在說什麼, 什麼今晚十二點等等. 總之越聽越火大. 後來她說請主任跟我講. 這位主任解釋了很久. 她的意思是說因為是電腦作業, 如果今晚十二點前沒取消這筆分期付款, 合約就開始生效, 銀行就會開始自動扣款了. 我想說, 什麼?? 我又沒簽字, 還有, 電腦有怎麼知道要從哪個銀行扣款? 哪個帳號? 這時我就應該想到是詐騙集團, 可是我又不確定是不是我自己不了解台灣銀行的作業. 她說因為管理員代替我簽了, 然後有我的名字, 身份證字號等等, 他們系統是跟全台108家銀行連線的, 就會知道從哪個帳號扣款. 這中間收訊一直不好. 我一方面很火大, 一方面不想無端端要多付12個月的莫名其妙的分期付款. 我在 Happy Go 是買了個台幣$759 (大概加幣$25) 的桌子而已. 搞什麼? (我也沒想到詐騙集團會知道我在 Happy Go 買過東西.) 最後她問我用哪家銀行, 她會請那家銀行跟我聯繫來處理這個取消的動作. 我想說只是告訴她銀行名稱不會怎樣. 就告訴她了. 然後她問我那家銀行的客服電話. 我給她台北市內的號碼, 她說一定要0800開頭的號碼. 剛好我有同一家銀行的信用卡, 那張上就有0800的號碼, 就給了 她. 然後她說馬上跟我的銀行聯繫, 把我的資料傳過去等等.

沒多久, 我的電話就響了. 這次是個男的. 來電顯示是 +800 開頭, 就是我剛剛給的0800號碼. (這是我後來才看的. 當時我就接了電話沒看來電號碼.) 他自稱是我的銀行打來的. 因為銀行已經打烊, 內部電腦都下線了, 我必須到提款機印一張餘額單然後告訴他那張單子上某一些號碼才能證實我是本人要取消這個分期付款的合約. (其實他說了很多很多, 因為我有很多很多的質疑. 這通電話收訊也不好. 他實在是說的太多了, 根本記不得細節.) 總之我被說服了. 他問我要多久才能到提款機. 我說大概15分鐘吧. 我說我打給他, 他說因為是加班時間,電話打不進去等等.. 還是他打給我. 於是我跟老公騎腳踏車出門. 騎到半路下雨了, 老公堅持我們立刻掉頭回家, 他不要我淋雨. 回到家, 那個自稱銀行的人又打來了. 我跟他說再15分鐘. 這次我們走過去. 一路上老公說這應該是詐騙集團吧. 我說人家也沒問我的帳號啊. 而且難道我要自認倒楣付這個12個月的分期付款嗎? 所以就為了不想無端端被扣款, 我們走去了離家最近的 7-11 (10分鐘後). 要領錢才能印餘額單. 所以我領了三千元. 然後我們又往回家的路上走去. 自稱銀行的人打來了. 他問我單據上的時間是幾點, 交易機號是多少. 餘額是多少. 我想說這些都無關痛癢, 就告訴他了. 餘額是三萬左右. 當然我有質疑為什麼他自己查不到. 理由當然是銀行關門了, 系統進不去等等. 後來他叫我再回到提款機那裏. 我說我已經離開了, 幹嘛還要回去? 他請我等一等. 後來就請他的主管跟我講.

這位自稱銀行的主管梁小姐解釋了一大堆, 總之就是要我回提款機做一些動作才能取消這個分期付款的合約等等. 我很白癡的又被說服了. 回到提款機, 她叫我選"轉帳", 然後金額打"12", 表示要讓系統在12點前都不接受任何轉帳, 銀行號打"013", 螢幕上顯示了某銀行的名字, 她說不用理, 013 就是會讓系統知道我這個動作是要停止轉帳到12點. 然後帳號的部分打我自己的身份證號碼. 夠扯了吧! 到這個時候我已經跟他們耗掉一個半小時了. 然後又滿身大汗, 然後又很懷疑到底這是真的還是假的. 又餓又累. 反正我就照做了. 結果是交易不成功. 對方說螢幕就是會顯示交易不成功, 實際上是已經停止轉帳到12點. 於是我們又開始往回家的路上走了. 然後對方又說什麼現在要給我一個交易密碼, 是用來取消那個分期付款的合約的. 密碼是 29989. 又要我回去提款機. 我說我明天去銀行搞這個. 對方堅持明天就太晚了, 合約已經生效. 又跟她來來往往扯了很久. 最後我又回到提款機前面. 她這次又叫我按"轉帳", 然後金額就是剛剛說那個密碼, 打進去就變成$29,989. 然後銀行號還是013, 帳號是508xxxxxxx.. 我不記得了, 但是我一聽就覺得那根本就是一個有效的帳號. 所以我就取消了. 對方還在努力的嘗試說服我. 我說我就付那個分期付款吧. 掛了電話之後我們又往回家的路上走.

電話又來了, 這次是自稱 Happy Go 的. 她說收到銀行的退件, 問我為什麼要默認倒霉, 付這個明明可以取消的分期付款? 我問她有利息嗎? 她說沒有. 我說那我就分12期再付一次$759. 她說可是那個合約是每個月$759, 因為送貨的人把我一次付清的款項當作是第一期的付款. 我又被她說服了, 她說請銀行再打給我. 掛了電話後, 老公說, 不如你自己打去銀行問. 我這時才看來電顯示, (02) 2162-6698 根本就不是 Happy Go 的電話. 於是我打電話去我的銀行, 直接轉金融卡報失盜用的部門. 跟他們講了事情的經過, 銀行小姐說我的確碰到詐騙集團了, 類似的事件她們聽過很多..

回家的路上詐騙集團又打電話來了. 連續幾通我們都沒接. 後來很煩了, 所以我就接了. 我告訴對方我決定自己明天去找銀行理論. 當然又扯了半天. 但是這次我很堅持我會自己去銀行處理這件事, 對方才終於放棄了, 結束了將近3小時的疲勞轟炸. 回到家都快8點了. 我很懊惱自己的愚蠢. 然後也對台灣的詐騙集團感到很震驚. 我太天真了, 想像不到會有一群一群的人他們工作的內容就是騙別人的錢. 他們聽起來真的就很像是銀行的人還是會計部的人等等. 表示訓練的很好, 台詞也非常熟練.. 怎麼會有那麼多黑心的人? 這真的是出乎我的想像.

今天和朋友吃飯. 聊到在台灣薪水階級真的賺錢不容易, 他說因為台灣大多數的產業都是在很競爭的環境下求生存. 不斷減少開支的結果就變成低薪. 房價物價卻還是那麼高. 所以就會有那麼多人加入詐騙集團.. 蠻有道理的..

I guess this whole experience qualifies as cultural shock...

2.5 weeks after treatment

First things first: I'm feeling great!! Hubby arrived Taipei a week after I was done with treatment. Since then, I've had a few doctor's visits - just routine stuff. My first MRI scan will be scheduled in the first week of September, and the dr. said the result of that is most likely to be a good one. My nausea has improved a lot: now I'm only nauseous if I'm in a foul-smelling environment. I also have a lot more energy to go out now. (That's why I haven't wrote anything in my blog for a while. I've been shopping and running errands with hubby~)

To all the people out there who care about me: Thank you so much!! I'm feeling great!!

So what is my next step? I guess it would be to become healthier: eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly, and be happy.

I'm doing OK in the eating and sleeping departments but I'm not exercising regularly yet. Right now I'm up to the level of having physical activity daily, such as walking for a couple of hours, biking on flat road for 15 minutes, swimming for 5 minutes, etc. Walking is easy - whenever we go out, we are bound to be walking a lot. Biking is much harder because I am terrible at it. I tried out my mom's really high-end mountain bike and it kind of scares me how fast it goes. Plus, I have no idea about changing gears and I don't dare go up or down hill at all.. The sheer size of the bike intimidates me.. LOL. So I think my next step is to get a suitable bike for me, a 156cm (sometimes 155cm) beginner rider who is afraid of little hills and anyone showing on my side while I ride.. lol. Once I have my own bike, I want to go ride with hubby in the evenings when it's cooler out there. We live in this beautiful neighborhood that's perfect for road bike. Of course it would be more beautiful to ride during the day when we can see the river and the green and stuff but it's really too hot right now. The point is, I want to go from having daily physical activity to exercising daily.

As for being happy, I'm happy that my treatment is over. I'm happy hubby is here, but I'm not happy that we're not with Evie. Us being here is already disrupting my brother's life so I don't want to bring Evie here and totally flip over his place. So we have to find jobs and sell our condo in Toronto so we can settle down in a place of our own and bring Evie here finally. Hubby's been here 1.5 weeks and we've already registered our marriage, he's done the required body check and received the report today. Tomorrow we are ready to apply for his permanent residency status! In the mean time he's working on resume and autobiography. I wonder if I should start working on my own resume and autobiography too.. Anyway. So we are moving towards bring Evie over, which will make me happy. Playing the piano also makes me happy. I've been practicing a few tunes I learned from friends in high school.. I'm considering learning German again because that always makes me happy too; I don't know why.

Phase 2 Week 6

Week 6 was relatively short because I had my last treatment on Thursday :) It is all done now. I'm no longer required to go to the hospital everyday!! So happy!!

I continue to be nauseous though. However, it is getting better slowly, and I am just happy that treatment is finally over. Next step is to get myself scanned again in about 1.5 months and see if i've rid of the cancer. If all goes well, i will not need further treatment. So let's hope that's the way it'll be!!

As much as I miss Evie, I am more scared of cancer. So I think I will wait for a while before I even begin to think about moving Evie over. The last thing I want is another come back of cancer..

Evie is almost 2 years old~ She just had her very first birthday party over the past weekend. Thanks to Ka, here are the pictures of the day: http://www.kaphoto.ca/pic/Evie2YearsOldBdayParty_StanHome_Jul2009/

Phase 2 Week 5

Sorry for the delay.. Last week had seen me super nauseous and a bit depressed than usual because of the discomforts. I resumed chemo on Monday as scheduled, which was a good thing. However, before I actually got injected with the chemo, I had a pretty bad episode of vomit and diarrhea. The end result of that was an instant weight loss of 1.5 kg even before the chemo.. When I checked out on Tuesday, my weight was an all time low of 41.5 kg. The next day I was 41.2 kg. It scared the hell out of me. Over the week I slowly pulled back to 42 kg. I had been very nauseous for the entire week so I only managed to eat a regular amount - not enough to be gaining any significant weight. (At least I didn't lose more!) Because of the nausea, I decided to devote my attention to TV. It seems when my full attention is diverted, I don't feel the nausea as much as if I were left to my own devices. However, when night came and I start getting ready to bed, that's usually when nausea hits me the worst. As soon as I walked in the bathroom, I had the urge to run towards the toilet and start puking. Thankfully I didn't actually puke too much - only 3 times that I can remember. A few nights I tried an anti-nausea med that simply knocked me off to sleep, which thankfully seems to work. Except that it makes my morning quite drowsy and then I missed my brother's breakfast time for a few days. Usually I can hear him in the kitchen and I would come out to say hi to him, try to have breakfast with him, and then watch him go out the door. The anti-nausea med made me slept through my little morning rituals and I didn't like that. And then at night as I fought with the nausea I also had to fight the feeling of helplessness. I know so many people love me and everything, but when dealing with cancer, I just feel I'm so utterly alone. I know I'm really not alone but sometimes I just can't help it with my sudden outbursts of tears. I feel ashamed that I am so weak in spite of whatever people keep telling me, that I am strong, whatever. I'm really not. I know for all the people who love me, I have to be strong, if not for me, for them. But it is really so much easier said than done. Of course I'm sure I'm only thinking like this because I'm physically not feeling well and it's getting on my nerves. You know and I know that I am just venting and this is only temporary, OK? I promise I will return to the self that you all like better, the much more positive one, in less than 2 weeks. My treatment is supposed to end at the end of week 6 and then give me another week to recover from the aftereffects of the last of the treatment.. Once I'm no longer nauseated I should be feeling much much better. I'm really looking forward to that. I also saw much less of my hubby and Evie on Skype this week because I was feeling too crappy to be sitting in front of my laptop.. I miss them dearly and wish they could be over here with me.. but at the same time I also know I don't have the means to have Evie taken care of here at this moment.. and the best arrangement is for her to remain there with her grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin.. her daddy's spending a month with her there also makes her so happy.. I want my little girl to be happy.. it's bad enough that her mommy can't be with her.. but I can't stop my hubby from wanting to be with me. So he will leave Evie after her 2nd birthday.. A part of me looks forward to his return, but a much larger part of me wishes he could remain with Evie.. I want Evie's happiness much more than my own. But Daddy doesn't think the same way as mommy does so he'll be here after Evie's birthday. And he needs to be here to start getting his residency and etc to start a life here in Taiwan... I'm really looking forward to it. The future.

Phase 2 Week 4

After missing 2 weeks of chemo, my liver numbers finally declined to normal. I saw 3 doctors on Friday. My radiation dr gave me my regular pain killers and anti-nausea med. He hoped I could continue chemo asap. The digestive system specialist thought the spike in my liver number was caused by the chemo (Cisplatin) and there was possibly something wrong with my immune system which caused my liver would react this way (normally Cisplatin doesn't affect the liver). He recommended me to see an immune systems specialist if problem persists. My chemo dr thought it would be a very rare case if my liver was sensitive to Cisplatin and it would be even more rare for me to have the kind of immune systems problem that might cause my liver to react this way. So his conclusion was that I should try chemo again and see what happens.

I've been feeling better and better. This week I tried Wakamoto to tackle my digestive problems (constipation and diarrhea) and it seems to be working. Also I find my pain has decreased. All in all I am feeling more energetic and it is consistent with my radiation dr's finding: my tumor has decreased in size. However, I'm still cautious not to overexert myself so that I don't accidentally make myself feel worse then I could be feeling :D So far so good!

This weekend there was a 50% rebate sale at eReader.com so I stocked up on my ebooks. I've finished all the available ebooks from James Rollins. Moving on to David Baldacci and Brad Thor - I already read one book from each and found them to be OK. So I just bought all their available ebooks since I read so fast these days.. My hubby said he's glad I'm into ebooks, not paper books; otherwise I'd need a library to hold all the books I'm reading.

Thank you for thinking of me!

A year ago, I read a book about how human thoughts (or intentions or prayers) can alter the state of atoms before they were measured or observed at the quantum level. The book cited many scientific experiments.. The book is called The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart. I couldn't help but wonder how powerful our thoughts could be. I cannot say I believe it 100% but I cannot ignore the potential of such power, especially in my current circumstances.

Last Friday, I asked the Dr. about my persistent nausea despite the omission of chemotherapy. He suggested I get a brain MRI because nausea could be a symptom of brain tumor. I was scheduled for the MRI on Monday morning and would review the scans with the Dr. right afterwards. So I thought, OK. Only one weekend to endure the suspense.. I chose to keep this to myself for two reasons. 1) I did not want my family's weekend ruined by worrying whether I had brain tumor or not and 2) I did not want anyone thinking I may be having brain tumor and unknowingly cause it to become true. I decided I would let my family know about it when I know the result of the MRI. The result was a good one. I don't have any sign of cancer or any tumor in my brain. So we can all relax :) My nausea is due to radiation treatment.

I know many of you out there are praying for me and my family or wishing me well and thinking of us frequently. I am truly grateful about it. Here is what I would like you to do for me, when you pray or think of me and my family:

"Mia is winning against the cancer and becoming healthy again. I'm going to see her and her family and friends at her 60th birthday party."

I know it will cross your mind to think about the worst scenario - I do think about it sometimes because I'd like to be prepared for the worst - but please try not to linger on such pessimistic thoughts because you may be unknowingly adding fuel to my cancer. If you want me to live longer, please think "Mia is winning against the cancer and becoming healthy again. I'm going to see her and her family and friends at her 60th birthday party." Throw in some visuals about my 60th bday party if you like. I promise it will be a big party and a very happy one too. I will give a speech on stage for sure. Most likely accompanied with a PowerPoint presentation as is my style. It will not be long and boring (I hope). I intend to be as humorous as I can.. Hopefully with the passage of time I will become a better speaker. There will be some dancing too. I especially like waltz, cha cha, and salsa. I will not drink wine but I will try to go to every table to speak to everyone. I'd say tentatively the date will be Saturday December 15, 2035, so I can celebrate my birthday on my beloved brother's birthday since his birthday happens to be a Saturday (mine is Wednesday the 12th). The place will be in Taipei Taiwan. It will be a dinner party. We'll be buying the wine from Catherine and Naoki. And I'll attend to more details when we come closer to the event.. I think I should set up the event in my facebook. I wonder if they allow such advanced booking? LOL.

Remember, say to yourself that "Mia is winning against the cancer and becoming healthy again. I'm going to see her and her family and friends at her 60th birthday party."

Thank you so very much for thinking of me!

Phase 2 Week 3

I felt really good and energetic on Monday morning. I was all ready for the chemo stay at the hospital. I even packed my own lunch with meat sauce made by David, complete with fruits. I was in a real good mood.

Usually on Mondays I would go in and get blood test done first. Then I wait for the result to determine if I am able to receive chemo or not. Unexpectedly, I was rejected this week. The nurse told me my two liver health indicators are too high to safely receive chemo. The two numbers were in the 18-25 range in the previous 2 weeks but this wk they were about 250. Normal is about 50. She consulted with my chemo dr. and the decision was to stop chemo until we know what is wrong with my liver. I was scheduled an ultrasound examination the next day, and another blood test on Thursday. The ultrasound didn't reveal anything remarkable, which meant no visible cancer in liver. The blood test was confusing as one indicator went higher to 500 something, and the other number went down to 100 something. Chemo dr. decides he cannot give me chemo next Monday either. I'll have to meet with a digestive system specialist on Monday to see what is wrong with my liver before he considers resuming my chemo.

In the mean time, I still continue with radiation treatment. However, the effectiveness of radiation treatment alone is not as good as radiation combined with chemo. The success rate is about 80% with chemo and 70% without. So I really hope we will be able to debug my liver as soon as possible so I can resume chemo during my remaining radiation treatment.

I'm not sure if it was because of the abrupt stop on chemo or what. I haven't been feeling well since Wednesday. I had constipation again for a couple of days and followed by diarrhea for a couple of days. I've been having more pain in my tummy. I've also been feeling more nauseated since Thursday and I actually puked a little on Friday night. I thought I should feel less nauseated without chemo but it seems I got more nauseated towards the end of the week. But then again, in Phase 1 I was also nauseated from radiation alone (towards the end when I was done with chemo) so I shouldn't be surprised.

However, bodily discomfort did not hamper my good moods. I continue to feel good about being alive and being me. I think I am the luckiest person in the world. My family takes such good care of me and my hubby and my daughter. While I'm being treated, I don't need to worry about anybody else or work or anything at all. My sole responsibility is to get well again - Have you ever heard of any other sick person who has no responsibilities other than his/her own sickness?! So I am really really fortunate, much more fortunate than any of my family members who have to take care of me, take over my responsibilities, and on top of all that still have to worry about my well being. I am really grateful for the love and support from my family and friends. I must beat the cancer so I'll be able to repay them a little!!

Latest family photo

It's been a while since the three of us had a photo together... So I asked hubby to try one while we talked on Skype. Evie seemed to have a lot of fun while daddy tried to take the picture.

How I wish I could be there with them!!!!!!

Freeze! Hold your wallets please!

LOL.. OK. I was surprised when my cousin Alice mentioned that the bit about luxury goods' possible enhancement on my will to survive may inspire my loved ones start buying things for me... STOP!! STOP!! Drop your wallets and don't move a cent!! It will not help me if anybody spends big money to give me something that I may or may not like. I really don't need gifts from anybody. All I need is your presence :) So I must let you know that 1) I am extremely picky in the things I buy and 2) I'm really not that materialistic..

Here are a few examples of things I've bought since treatment started: an LV wallet, a Prada handbag, and a Samsung S7350. The wallet I needed because of the big bills I have to pay at the hospital - cash only. The handbag because my wallet is so nice that I wanted a nice handbag to hold it too. The cell phone because I like it's design and decided I'd give the Korean brand a chance.



Please don't try to buy any luxury goods for me!! I know you all love me and I am extremely thankful for that!!

Phase 2 Week 2

I've been nauseated and constipated this week, but on the good side, I've been eating high protein meals. So, all in all, it was a much better week than the first.

I spoke to my dr. on Tuesday about the unidentified liquid they discovered in my tummy. The dr. said very frankly (as was his style to lay out the worse first) that they had very worried about it based on my week 1 reactions to treatment. He said if I had suffered more pain in the tummy regularly about half an hour after each radiation treatment, then the chance would be high that my tummy (intestines) is spread with cancer, and if that had been the case, then he would have called all my family together to decide if I should stop being treated. Because if such a large area is full of cancer then my current treatment will not save my life. So he wanted me to monitor my pain but he also told me I looked a lot better than the previous week.

As I was still digesting this bit of news about how terrible the liquid in my tummy could mean, I came home and the first person around was my dad who came to visit. Being a big mouth like I am, always thinking aloud without much consideration for people's feelings, I told dad what the dr told me, and scared the hell out of him. I told my hubby, I also told a couple of friends about it, as if it were a threat that worried me. I'm sorry if I scared any of you out there!! The next day, when my head cleared about this tummy liquid issue, I'm not worried about it any more. And I don't think anybody should worry about it for my sake either.

The thing is, I have cancer, and there is always the risk of an uncontrollable spread causing death, be it now, few months from now, 5 years from now, or 20 years from now, nobody knows, and maybe I won't even die from cancer but some unforeseeable accident, or maybe a heart attack. Who knows? So what's there to worry about? There is really no reason to fear.

What I should be worrying about is to keep my mind and body and spirit all working towards the goal of living. Right now the objective on my body is: run through the treatment without complications. I've got clear directions from my doctors. I need to maintain weight. Eat high protein meals. Small and multiple meals. Make sure I've got enough blood counts to receive weekly chemotherapy. Manage my nausea and constipation and anxiety and what not so that nothing will interfere with chemo and radiation treatment. Try not to get infected. Etc. Week 1 was bad, I lost a lot of weight. I think I'm doing reasonably well this week though. I'll do better as days go by like in Phase 1.

Managing my body is a lot easier than managing my mind and spirit. The problem is, I believe life is good long or short. People hurt a bit when somebody dies but they always recover and they'll still live good lives. I don't believe the world will miss me or I will miss the world when I part with it. I believe life is a journey of all kinds of interesting experiences and learning. The memory of it will always be good no matter what happens. This makes me sound like I'm kind of detached to the world - not a very good motivator to drive away cancer cells nibbling at my body! So I think more about my family. About the future experiences we could share together if I stay longer. Like watching my mom become a truly old looking grandma but ever so sociable and grand. My dad becomes a fulltime farmer and cook and he starts talking on and on like my grandpa does now. My brother becomes a husband and father and how that will change him. Evie becomes wife and mommy. My hubby and I become really old and wrinkled couple and we still can't stop saying Evie is so damn cute..

I can't possibily name everything I'll miss out if I lose to cancer so soon. So it's become a mental exercise to me to think about what I look forward to in the future. I'm luring myself to stay longer, for a better chance to share more life with those who love me. I'm giving myself incentive to stay alive. Mentally I'm motivating myself by thinking about the future I'd like to experience. Physically I'm buying things that makes me feel it's wonderful to be here enjoying such things. It hurts my bank account but when I'm out of this and when Evie goes to school, I will be working and making money right? If earthly luxuary goods fuels my will to stay alive, then it's what I will spend money on. If I make my mind and body and spirit all working towards the same goal of a strong will to live and beat this cancer, I believe I will become an old and wrinkled grandma one day.

evie's big smile

thanks to my mom showing up next to me.. evie gave us a big smile that i was able to capture on skype this morning :)

she also had her first haircut from someone other than her mom today.. for the first time in her life.. apparently the hairstylist didn't like how i cut evie's hair...

o well, i'm no pro. i think she looks cute no matter how i cut her hair.

phase 2 week 1

today is my day off.. finally!! after a long week of nausea and drowsiness.. i'm still very nauseated at the moment but it can't be helped. according to the dr., he's already given me all the anti-nausea medication he can give me. if i still can't stand this then he can only hospitalize me and have me hooked to iv for anti-nausea med, nutrition, and sleep. i don't want that. so here i am, living with constant nausea. today i shook off the drowsiness because apparently it was due to the supplementary pain killer i was taking. so i'm more alert today, which may seem like an improvement. i don't know. i finally cracked 2 days ago and started crying everyday because this is simply so.. i don't know. uncomfortable i guess. but i gotta say it has been better than the first week in phase 1. i remember back then i wasn't even able to eat, and i was walking at a snail's pace. right now at least i'm still able to eat, no matter how picky or how little. at least i'm able to down some food, and i did not puke for the whole week, even tho i retched many times. i managed to keep what i ate so i guess that was good.. i think it's self-pity that drives me to write this kind of blog. just venting. i know my condition is nothing compared with what some other people are suffering but i just can't help it.. this morning i finally saw evie on skype, but she was at my grandparents place and was excited to run around so she didn't cared for me. that made me cry a lot too. she doesn't seem interested to see me on skype any more. later on, mom came downstairs to see how i was doing. i had skype on again and evie was home this time. i told her hey evie come see your grandma! and she actually came over and gave us a few big big smiles and kisses.. seems like i need to either get my mom or my bro on my side to get her attention now. o well.. i don't think crying is all that bad for me anyway. it is.. another way to vent and a distraction from nausea. i'm hoping i will not resort to taking the anti-nausea pill that will put me to sleep this afternoon so that i'll be able to go shopping. i think i need a bigger wallet for my hospital trips. they don't take credit card for anything below NT$100,000 or something. crazy.

sorry i didn't mean to sound so depressed or anything.. just writing out what i'm feeling that's all. don't worry. even tho i'm showing all signs of weaknesses i'm still determined to ride it out. i think the first 2 wks is the hardest, judging from experience... hopefully i'll feel much better in the wks to come. i can only hope for better, can't i?!

thanks so much for listening/reading... i really appreciate all of your support and it really means a lot to me to know that so many people care about how i'm doing. thank you. thank you so very much~

Phase 2 first radiation session

Yesterday my brother David accompanied me to the hospital. I had a few routine check-ups to do there and I wanted to ask the dr for more medication. I also had another CT on the machine which would be giving me radiation treatment everyday. They re-drew the black lines across my tummy and darkened the markers for the alignment of my body under the machine. Good thing they removed the three pieces of tapes on me - those were making me itchy. Then I was in the room alone with the machine, which circled around me and did whatever it was supposed to do. Afterwards, the therapist told me they did a CT on me, as well as my first radiation treatment. My radiation oncologist inspected my CT results and instructed for the first dose of treatment on me. I didn't feel any different. Only that my right side of tummy has been hurting all day because I had run out of the pain killer. I also asked the dr to give me some medicine for relaxation and sleep because I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep at all on my first night of chemo. So we went home with my prescribed medicine.

When we got home, my tummy still hurt - I had taken a different pain killer and it hadn't kicked in yet. So I decided to go back to my room and lay in bed for a bit, with my laptop. I just suddenly felt sick. At first I thought it was just the tummy pain. But soon it became just a general sick feeling and then nausea. Suddenly I had to run to the bathroom to puke, barely missing the toilet. I was totally caught off guard at my reaction to the radiation. I quickly took Gravol but also got rid of it as quickly. In the next few hours I threw up 6 more times, got rid of whatever remained from lunch, as well as whatever little I tried to stuff down as dinner. One of the times I was too late to the toilet and threw up at the bathroom entrance. David kindly cleaned after me. I stayed in bed after that, with a bucket next to my bed. In the end I was just retching with nothing more to come out, totally exhausted. By that time, I felt it was probably safe to take Kytril - which is a once-a-day anti-nausea medication that cost about CAD$300 per week (I had 4 days left from Phase 1). Then I finally slept without waking up again.

Today I woke up feeling ok again. Just a little tired and drained from last night's activities. Kytril worked, and I have enough to last me till Monday. Hopefully I can get the same medicine here too. I couldn't believe how soon the radiation hit me. Usually the radiation side-effects don't kick in until at least a week later. But I guess my body already had radiation before so it took no time to react..? Anyway. I hope my nausea can be under control from now on.

In light of my cancer development..

In light of my cancer development, my family members have each decided how best to help me.

Mom is paying my medical bills and much of my living expenses (the helper who cleans and cooks for us, food, and many other miscellaneous expenses). She added a desk in her office at work so i'll have a place to go during the day when i feel up to it.

My brother David lets us stay with him in his condo. Stanley and i occupy his guest room, and when Evie moves in next year, he will empty his gym room for her usage. He's willing to modify his living style to accommendate us and in the near future - Evie.

Stanley's parents are taking care of Evie in Toronto. Stanley's sister Anita, brother-in-law Danny, and their one-year-old daughter Ella all live in the same house as Evie so she is well cared for over there. Evie also has the company of Ella so i think this is the best arrangement for her at the moment. They all love Evie and have no problem taking care of Evie for us..

My grandparents, aunt, and cousin in Toronto are visiting Evie every weekend. They usually bring lunch and eat with Evie, play with her until her afternoon nap time. My grandparents are over 80 years old and the car ride is quite long for them, but they do this for me every weekend..

Dad lives in Tainan (southern Taiwan) and has 2 little boys of his own, but he tries to visit me whenever he gets a chance. He offered to take care of Evie for us but we felt Evie would be more comfortable staying with her grandparents whom she's already close with.

Stanley is in Toronto arranging our move to Taiwan. He will come to Taiwan after he's done tying loose ends over there - we estimate in about a month or so. After he gets to Taiwan, he will apply for permanent residence here and start his job search. Before he gets a job, he will watch over me and keep me company. He's willing to move here for me even though his parents and friends all live in Canada and his job prospects are much better over there..

In addition to my immediate family, my aunts, uncles, and cousins have all expressed their encouragements and love to me. i don't know what i did right in my previous lives to deserve such loving and supporting family!!

i'm also in debt to my friends who talk to me, respond to my blogs, chat with me online, exchange messages with me via email or Facebook and etc. All of your words warm me up and give me strength to face what i need to do. i'm really thankful to have such loving family and friends. Words cannot describe how thankful i am and how lucky i am!

As treatment date approaches, i couldn't help but feel a little nervous and anxious. i'm terrified of the chemo, but i have to follow through with the program. my life depends on it. i'm not happy about leaving Evie in Toronto but i know once treatment begins, i will not be able to look after anybody. i miss Evie very much but this arrangement is the most worry-free for me. i need to focus on my treatment and recovery so that i will have a future with Evie and everybody else.

Thank you all for your love and support!

Treatment Phase 2 begins on 2009.06.01

i'm going to call the radiation+chemo treatment i received in 2008.12 and 2009.01 Phase 1. At the time, i thought it was the only treatment i was going to get for my cancer, but i had totally underestimated my adversary's power over me. Phase 1 was completed in Toronto. Now i've moved to Taipei and will begin Phase 2 on 2009.06.01.

Phase 2 includes radiation and chemotherapy, similar to Phase 1.

The chemo will be the same, except that in Taiwan, i will check in at noon and stay overnight at the hospital to receive the weekly chemo. The medicine used is called Cisplatin. It is the same as what i had received in Phase 1. This medicine needs a lot of fluids to wash out in order to preserve my kidneys. Therefore, i'll be given several bags of saline solution during my chemo stays at the hospital. (In Canada, i was simply told to drink 2 litres of water a day. My chemo sessions there only consisted of 1 bag of saline and 1 bag of Cisplatin.) As such, i'm not so hopeful that i would be unaffected by the side effects. But the good thing is that i won't need any catheter (人工血管) installed on my chest or arm for the i.v. Cisplatin is covered by insurance (健保) but hospital stays are only partially covered. Double room is NT$2,200 per day and single room is NT$4250 per day. Hospital food is about NT$390 per day. i will receive 6 chemo sessions in Phase 2. (In Phase 1 i only received 5 sessions of chemo.)

Radiation will be targeted at my abdomen area, as opposed to pelvic area in Phase 1. i was told that the upcoming radiation will go easier on me compared with Phase 1 because i'm paying a little extra money (about NT$28,000 for the course of Phase 2) to receive a better targeted radiation treatment. My Phase 1 radiation was basically a boxed-area treatment - hence the damages to my intestines. Hopefully Phase 2 radiation will only aim at the cancer cells and avoid my good cells, so as to minimize damages and side effects.

The radiation oncologist believes i will be able to work during treatment. However, i'm not so optimistic after speaking to the chemo oncologist.. In any case, whatever they say i may or may not experience is really irrelevant to me, because everybody reacts differently to these treatments. i will know how i feel when the time comes.. which is soon enough!!

Phase 2 is expected to be 6 weeks but the exact time frame isn't determined yet. i will go to the hospital 5 days a week to receive radiation, and stay overnight one day per week to receive chemo.

i was told that there's some unidentified water in my abdomen (腹水) that needs to be monitored. The dr said it could be cancerous, or it could be my body's reaction to the existing tumor. In any case the water is too little to be analyzed right now so we'll have to wait and see.

Phase 3, adjuvant chemotherapy, will begin a few weeks after Phase 2 ends. The date is not determined yet because it depends on how i react to Phase 2. Phase 3 will be chemo only. There are two options for me: 1) Cisplatin + Taxol and 2) Cisplatin + Topotecan. i will be given chemo once every 3 weeks, and i will need 6 cycles = 18 weeks in total. Cisplatin is covered by insurance but Taxol and Topotecan are self-paid. Option 1 will cost about NT$30,000 per session with 1 day of hospital stay, and option 2 will cost about NT$20,000 per session with 2 days of hospital stay. The dr said both provide about the same results but the side effects are different. i'm still trying to understand more about the two before i decide which to go with.

Cancer it is.

i just received the call from Dr. Chung at Sun Yat-Sen Cancer Center. He confirmed that the thing giving me trouble is indeed cancer. I'm glad we didn't get an inconclusive biopsy result because if we did then the treatment will be very difficult to plan. As it is now, we have no more doubt, and the dr can let us know precisely what our next steps are. We will see him first thing tomorrow morning and i will also have my radiation treatment planning session then. i think it means i'll get tatooed again (just a few tiny black spots) which will help aligning my body under the radiation machine so they can accurately beam me every time. i think radiation will start on Monday and it will be everyday from Monday to Friday, 10 minutes per day, and I will receive supplementary chemo once a week that will strengthen the radiation treatment. This treatment will take approximately 6 weeks. Then i'll get a couple months break before the chemo regime. Anyways. More details to follow on that.

Thanks for all of your prayers for me. Please don't be distressed by my illness. I'm happy about the biopsy result because it provides us a clear direction and there are proven technologies that will be used to take care of my case. And this time around, i have a much better connection with the doctors and nurses - oh man, language really matters in times like these... for me anyways! i'm much more communicative to the doctors and nurses in Taiwan. And i intend to be a good patient. So, please don't worry about me :)

waiting for biopsy results

the biopsy was done yesterday. it was quite painful, not where they poked me (they applied some local aesthetics), but i started having tummy crams half way through the biopsy. the pain was pretty bad. afterwards, they gave me a shot of pain killer, which finally killed the pain for me. but it also made me very super drowsy so i pretty much slept the rest of the day.

now i'm waiting for the biopsy results.

some people say waiting is the worst but i'm not so sure about that. at least right now we are not 100% certain it is cancer.. this might be a better thought than what the results are going to tell me in a couple of days.. whatever.

the doctor is being very realistic with us. he said, if it is cancer, this is going to be my last chance to fight it. we'll discuss the treatment plan in detail based on the biopsy results. but just to give us an idea, i'll most likely get radiation treatment for 6 wks daily with supplementary chemo once a wk. then rest for a month or two. then 4 months chemo. chemo scares me but i have to do it if that's what it takes to get rid of cancer..

these days i keep my mind occupied with shopping and reading (recently, thrillers by James Rollins). i try think less about the upcoming treatment, my sickness, my odds of survival, and what i should do right now in case my life shall end prematurely, etc. i don't want to be strong - what is being strong anyway? i don't think i'm strong. i rather avoid thinking about it altogether. i'm more at peace that way. i'll do what needs to be done to rid of the cancer but i don't want to think about cancer all the time.

i've read somewhere and also heard people telling me if i think positively it would help me get better sooner. but if thinking positively can be so effective, i should never have got cancer in the first place. i was so convinced i was at the height of my health about half a year after delivering evie. i felt good about myself. i was active because of evie; i was eating healthy because of breastfeeding. i was feeling great. then i got cancer. ok, fine. deal with it. i went through the 2 months treatment, all the time thinking after this was over, i'd say goodbye to cancer. i was so confident about returning to health. and now i got this new tumor. so you know what? i don't believe positive thinking has anything to do with this. unless my own thinking isn't powerful enough? people whose mind power stronger than mine are thinking my cancer is going to endanger my life? i don't know. in any case, i don't want to be told to think positively because i don't believe it works. i just want to be myself, which is - being realistic.

so, you got that right. i don't want to be strong, and i don't want to be positive. i just want to be myself. i'm not going to change my personality just because i have cancer. but i am changing my lifestyle. after some reading up, i think the reasons i got cancer is because 1) i used to consume a lot of packaged food and drinks and 2) i had avoided sun exposure for more than 10 years. my having cancer is because of my own wrongdoings.

now we are moving to taiwan because this is where i feel most comfortable fighting my last battle with cancer. i should say i'm considered already moved in. my husband and daughter haven't moved yet because they need to get some paperwork done before they can move here and stay long term. we are staying at my brother's place, which is in the same building as my mom's place. mom has employed a really nice lady for cleaning and now she's cooking for us as well. i feel i'm really super lucky. i've had so much support from stanley's family and my family. as a married daughter, canada is where i should be staying because my home is with stanley and his family. but my mom and bro welcomed me back. stanley is willing to make the move for me and his parents, sis, and bro-in-law are looking after evie for as long as we need them to. (the plan is to move evie here when i'm done and recovered from treatment.) everyone in the family supports us in every way we need, so that i can focus on getting better... i can never say enough "thank you" to everyone. i feel so sorry that my sickness is bringing so much trouble to all our families in canada and in taiwan. but such things are life. i'm thankful for living it.

back to reading thrillers..

I am going to WIN!

I just received word from my Canadian radiation oncologist Dr. Ackerman. After reviewing the PET/CT images I sent her, she says: Your treatment fields were to the pelvis and this looks like it can be treated without overlapping your previous pelvic radiation treatment area.

This is very good news!! Now I know for sure that I can beat this thing with the help of all these good doctors who are looking after me and the great support from my dearest family and friends...

I am going to WIN!

: )

Tumor confirmed

I got the result from last week's PET+CT scan and it is telling the same story as the PET scan from a week before. There is this approximately 2.5cm tumor in my abdominal lymph node. The medical term is "para-aortic recurrence." This is the cause of my strange abdominal pain that is sometimes on the right side, sometimes in the front, sometimes in the back and growing more painful week after week because it is touching some pain nerves there. I've been given pain killers for this - a regular type which I take twice daily, and an enmergency type which I take when needed. I hope the pain will not become worse and worse like the doctor said..

I will get another CT of abdomen so that they can see exactly where this tumor is in order to perform a CT-guided biopsy. The biopsy will take place next Monday, most likely, when I will literally get stabbed in the back. My brother said, "hey at least you know when it's happening. Normally people have no idea when they get stabbed in the back!" Alrighty bro.. The abdominal CT will help them see which path to take because the tumor is located very close to the two thickest veins in my body (主動脈, 主靜脈), as well as my right kidney, and intestines. If they accidentally stabbed any of that, I'll be in big big trouble. However, biopsy is necessary because if it is not cancer then the treatment will be totally different. Also, my cervical biopsy showed two types of cancer cells. It will be good to see what kind of cancer cell is in the new tumor because we have no other way of knowing whether it was there before cervical cancer or if it was originated from the cervical cancer.

The chance is pretty high that it is cancer because this spot is a common place where cervical cancer would move to. So, what next? That's where I'm having a headache right now because my next treatment hinges upon my past treatment. The problem is, there is a upper limit to how much radiation each part of our body can accept in its lifetime. Exceeding the dose will cause the body part to fail in about 6 months after the treatment. Therefore, I need to obtain the 3-D radiotherapy dose distribution and treatment planning data as well as the radiotherapy summary note from Sunnybrook Hospital. The oncologist in Taiwan cannot safely give me radiation without such information. It would make my life worse if they killed the cancer but also blasted my intestines and spinal cord so I'll become paralized and unable to digest food. Therefore, radiation cannot be done if I cannot obtain my previous treatment data.

Treatment back in Canada is an option but I am very reluctant to take this route. If I can indeed receive radiation again, Taiwan will radiate my abdomen as well as my upper body - where the cancer might go next. In the event that there are unseen cancer cells moving up, they will also get killed, and I will have a much higher chance of survival. If I'm receiving radiation in Canada, they might do what they did the last time: just radiate the area they have confirmed visable evidence of cancer cells. I'm afraid a couple months after the localized treatment, I will suffer from another new tumor and there will be no more tolerance for radiation left in me to fight. My treatment this time is crucial. I would prefer the battlefield be in my hometown, in my mother tonge, with the option for paid medical services, rather than in Canada, where I can only accept whatever that will be decided by the doctors with my half understanding of the implications and no opportunities to learn about or pay for more testings that might help with my diagnosis. I just hope Sunnybrook has a way to export the radiation data for the oncologists in Taiwan...

Worst case scenario is that I was already radiated full dosage in my abdomen the last time around. If this was the case, it would mean the new tumor is so strong that it survived the last treatment. There are two other ways they would be able to remove the tumor locally - only a few places in Taiwan have those expensive machines and those procedures will not guarantee a clean kill because they are very localized. If there are any invisible cancer cells left, then eventually I'll get more tumor later on.

Chemotherapy will be my last resort: it will inhibit further growth and spread of the cancer but it will not kill the cancer for me. Choosing chemo alone would mean giving up.

I'm very far from giving up. Right now I'm focusing on obtaining my previous treatment data from Sunnybrook. I just hope their system isn't too old to have the capability of data export... In the mean time, I wish there is something I could do to comfort my hubby, mom, bro, in-laws, and all my friends and family. I want everybody to know that they shouldn't worry about me because the doctors will help me get rid of this cancer.

i miss evie very much!

i haven't seen evie since 4/14. it's been almost a month... she's grown so much - outgrowing the clothes and shoes she had before i left, or so i was told. i can't really tell how much she's grown. She's not very enthusiastic when she sees me on Skype now though. Soon she will forget who ma ma is or what it means. i feel kinda stuck here, and very sad, whenever i think of her. i want to bring her over as soon as i can, but when is that going to be? when will i be able to take care of her myself?? i have no answers, just a lot of questions. and i wish she could be here with her mom and dad.

PET+CT Scan

OK.. so i saw the dr. who gave me the PET scan on Friday. his conclusion was that i should start chemo immediately. i was to report to the hospital on Sunday and get a catheter installed on my chest. i would be on chemo for 2 days per 3 week cycle, and i would need a minimum of 6 cycles - 18 weeks at least. we were in shock, mom, bro and i. but we signed up anyway thinking if it needs to be done, it needs to be done. i should get started on treatment while we make arrangements to get a second opinion on the side. (if the dr wanted me on chemo on Sunday, i must be in deep shit.. no?) however, after we separately consulted our own friends about this, it seemed to us that we should seek a second opinion before commiting to the treatment. also, our friends all recommended us to go to a particular cancer center. One of my friends, Theresa, helped me arrange an appointment to see a dr there on Monday. I'm so glad we did this. The cancer center was so much better than the general hospital we went last week. At the general hospital, there were 3-4 people sitting inside the room waiting for their turns while the dr told me i needed chemo right away. yup, all very rushed with no privacy whatsoever. At the cancer center, on the other hand, we meet with the dr. in a room, while other patients waited outside of that room. Also, because the cancer center is not a general hospital, the number of patients is significantly less. The atmosphere much more peaceful and pleasant. Most importantly, the dr. makes a lot of sense to me. He read through all my records from Toronto as well as from the general hospital from last week. He studied the PET scan i did last week. Really carefully, he told me the PET scan only told half of the story. At the cancer center, they do PET+CT scans together so that what shows in PET can be cross-referenced in CT. PET may show an area of cancer cells (in black), but the location and size is fussy, and it may not even be cancer cells depending on the circumstance. (For example, the image showed a lot of black around my neck. The technician told me we can ignore those black areas because that is due to my stiffness.) So according to my new dr., my PET scan from last week reall didn't give him any concrete evidence that i have cancer in my abdomen lymph node. He recommended me do a PET+CT scan. If PET+CT indeed identifies tumor in my abdomen lymph node and if it is large enough, the next step will be a CT-guided biopsy. If the biopsy reveals cancer, then the next step is to figure out what treatment i'll need............ so, we were so ahead of ourselves last week and had a good scare for a whole weekend. Of course, maybe what i'm doing at the cancer center may prove to be a mere delay to a full-blown chemo in the end, but at least by that time i'll be thoroughly convinced, and i'll be receiving treatment from a dr i feel comfortable talking to and an environment that makes me feel safe. big thanks to our friends who recommended this cancer center, especially to Theresa and her family! and my poor mom, wasted $ on that feeble PET scan last week...
i will return to the cancer center on Monday to see the results and discuss next steps with the dr.. until then.

PET Scan

I think if there is a God, he really does want me to live longer. After our trip to Taipei, i was really exhausted from the flight and my digestive system continued giving me problems. It took me about 2 weeks to recover from the trip. I also had adjusted my diet (less raw veggie and fruits) so my diahrreah finally stopped. Then we were wondering if we should to go Shanghai to see the Forumla 1. Hubby said it was all up to me. I was reluctant, because I wasn't sure if traveling was doing me any good. However, he had just finished school, doesn't have a job to pin him down yet. And, he's always been the biggest Formula 1 fan. He hadn't seen Formula 1 live yet. Montreal no longer hosted it, and we suspect Shanghai won't host it much longer. I didn't want to be the cause of hubby's never seeing the Formula 1 live... So we booked flights to Shanghai. About 2-3 weeks before the trip, I started having this dull pain on the right side of my pelvis. I wasn't sure if it was part of my intestines or the pelvic bone itself. It felt like I was constantly having this pain, sometimes less, sometimes more, sometimes in the flesh, sometimes in the bone, but always on the right side of my tummy. I told everyone who cared to listen. I was planning to see more doctors after our Shanghai trip. Then Mom said she knows a good doctor in Shanghai who moved there from Taiwan. Dr. Chu specializes in pain management (疼痛科). We had a chat in his office in Shanghai. He examined my tummy, pressing here and there to see where I was hurting. It was not easy to pin point where my pain was coming from because it doesn't seem to stay in one defined spot. He recommended me to take a PET scan in Taipei. He said it would be best to eliminate the risk of cancer before anything else. So we immediately revised our travel plans. Hubby would return to Toronto as scheduled, but I will go to Taipei with Mom. If hubby came with me, I'd feel pressured to rush everything so we could return to Toronto for Evie as soon as possible. I didn't think I should rush doctors. I also didn't want hubby's parents continue their work shifts in order to take care of Evie in our absence. So hubby went home without me. I came to Taipei to see Dr. Liu, recommended by Dr. Chu. Dr. Liu reviewed my case and asked me to get blood test, ultrasound, and an x-ray done that day, and scheduled CT scan the next day. He was about to dismiss us when I asked him about PET scan. He said because of the fee which is not covered by health insurance, he doesn't usually offer this scan to patients. We said we were willing to pay. So I got to do this scan on Thursday (yesterday). The scan took a very long time. I went in at 9am. At 11:30 I thought I was done but they told me to go eat and return at 12:15. When I came back, they scanned me again for 15 mins. Finally the imaging was done. The doctor there showed Mom, my brother, and myself the results. We looked at pale pictures of my body where black indicated cancerous cells. I had a condensed black dot right in the middle of my body. It looks to me like about where my belly button is but I couldn't be sure. The doctor said it is located on one or two lymph nodes located near the main artillary. (i'm not sure if i'm translating it right - the biggest vein in the body? 主動脈旁淋巴) Clearly it was outside of the cervical area and we wouldn't have known about it if Dr. Chu in Shanghai didn't recommend PET scan to us.. We don't know what this means yet because the PET scan doctor only told us about the image. We have to wait to see Dr. Liu and I suspect another doctor who specializes in lymphoma before we can get any info on what this means. One thing is clear to me - our fight with my cancer isn't over yet, and that God, if there is one, really wants me to live longer.

小Evie 3月的照片精選集