Phase 2 Week 2

I've been nauseated and constipated this week, but on the good side, I've been eating high protein meals. So, all in all, it was a much better week than the first.

I spoke to my dr. on Tuesday about the unidentified liquid they discovered in my tummy. The dr. said very frankly (as was his style to lay out the worse first) that they had very worried about it based on my week 1 reactions to treatment. He said if I had suffered more pain in the tummy regularly about half an hour after each radiation treatment, then the chance would be high that my tummy (intestines) is spread with cancer, and if that had been the case, then he would have called all my family together to decide if I should stop being treated. Because if such a large area is full of cancer then my current treatment will not save my life. So he wanted me to monitor my pain but he also told me I looked a lot better than the previous week.

As I was still digesting this bit of news about how terrible the liquid in my tummy could mean, I came home and the first person around was my dad who came to visit. Being a big mouth like I am, always thinking aloud without much consideration for people's feelings, I told dad what the dr told me, and scared the hell out of him. I told my hubby, I also told a couple of friends about it, as if it were a threat that worried me. I'm sorry if I scared any of you out there!! The next day, when my head cleared about this tummy liquid issue, I'm not worried about it any more. And I don't think anybody should worry about it for my sake either.

The thing is, I have cancer, and there is always the risk of an uncontrollable spread causing death, be it now, few months from now, 5 years from now, or 20 years from now, nobody knows, and maybe I won't even die from cancer but some unforeseeable accident, or maybe a heart attack. Who knows? So what's there to worry about? There is really no reason to fear.

What I should be worrying about is to keep my mind and body and spirit all working towards the goal of living. Right now the objective on my body is: run through the treatment without complications. I've got clear directions from my doctors. I need to maintain weight. Eat high protein meals. Small and multiple meals. Make sure I've got enough blood counts to receive weekly chemotherapy. Manage my nausea and constipation and anxiety and what not so that nothing will interfere with chemo and radiation treatment. Try not to get infected. Etc. Week 1 was bad, I lost a lot of weight. I think I'm doing reasonably well this week though. I'll do better as days go by like in Phase 1.

Managing my body is a lot easier than managing my mind and spirit. The problem is, I believe life is good long or short. People hurt a bit when somebody dies but they always recover and they'll still live good lives. I don't believe the world will miss me or I will miss the world when I part with it. I believe life is a journey of all kinds of interesting experiences and learning. The memory of it will always be good no matter what happens. This makes me sound like I'm kind of detached to the world - not a very good motivator to drive away cancer cells nibbling at my body! So I think more about my family. About the future experiences we could share together if I stay longer. Like watching my mom become a truly old looking grandma but ever so sociable and grand. My dad becomes a fulltime farmer and cook and he starts talking on and on like my grandpa does now. My brother becomes a husband and father and how that will change him. Evie becomes wife and mommy. My hubby and I become really old and wrinkled couple and we still can't stop saying Evie is so damn cute..

I can't possibily name everything I'll miss out if I lose to cancer so soon. So it's become a mental exercise to me to think about what I look forward to in the future. I'm luring myself to stay longer, for a better chance to share more life with those who love me. I'm giving myself incentive to stay alive. Mentally I'm motivating myself by thinking about the future I'd like to experience. Physically I'm buying things that makes me feel it's wonderful to be here enjoying such things. It hurts my bank account but when I'm out of this and when Evie goes to school, I will be working and making money right? If earthly luxuary goods fuels my will to stay alive, then it's what I will spend money on. If I make my mind and body and spirit all working towards the same goal of a strong will to live and beat this cancer, I believe I will become an old and wrinkled grandma one day.