waiting for biopsy results

the biopsy was done yesterday. it was quite painful, not where they poked me (they applied some local aesthetics), but i started having tummy crams half way through the biopsy. the pain was pretty bad. afterwards, they gave me a shot of pain killer, which finally killed the pain for me. but it also made me very super drowsy so i pretty much slept the rest of the day.

now i'm waiting for the biopsy results.

some people say waiting is the worst but i'm not so sure about that. at least right now we are not 100% certain it is cancer.. this might be a better thought than what the results are going to tell me in a couple of days.. whatever.

the doctor is being very realistic with us. he said, if it is cancer, this is going to be my last chance to fight it. we'll discuss the treatment plan in detail based on the biopsy results. but just to give us an idea, i'll most likely get radiation treatment for 6 wks daily with supplementary chemo once a wk. then rest for a month or two. then 4 months chemo. chemo scares me but i have to do it if that's what it takes to get rid of cancer..

these days i keep my mind occupied with shopping and reading (recently, thrillers by James Rollins). i try think less about the upcoming treatment, my sickness, my odds of survival, and what i should do right now in case my life shall end prematurely, etc. i don't want to be strong - what is being strong anyway? i don't think i'm strong. i rather avoid thinking about it altogether. i'm more at peace that way. i'll do what needs to be done to rid of the cancer but i don't want to think about cancer all the time.

i've read somewhere and also heard people telling me if i think positively it would help me get better sooner. but if thinking positively can be so effective, i should never have got cancer in the first place. i was so convinced i was at the height of my health about half a year after delivering evie. i felt good about myself. i was active because of evie; i was eating healthy because of breastfeeding. i was feeling great. then i got cancer. ok, fine. deal with it. i went through the 2 months treatment, all the time thinking after this was over, i'd say goodbye to cancer. i was so confident about returning to health. and now i got this new tumor. so you know what? i don't believe positive thinking has anything to do with this. unless my own thinking isn't powerful enough? people whose mind power stronger than mine are thinking my cancer is going to endanger my life? i don't know. in any case, i don't want to be told to think positively because i don't believe it works. i just want to be myself, which is - being realistic.

so, you got that right. i don't want to be strong, and i don't want to be positive. i just want to be myself. i'm not going to change my personality just because i have cancer. but i am changing my lifestyle. after some reading up, i think the reasons i got cancer is because 1) i used to consume a lot of packaged food and drinks and 2) i had avoided sun exposure for more than 10 years. my having cancer is because of my own wrongdoings.

now we are moving to taiwan because this is where i feel most comfortable fighting my last battle with cancer. i should say i'm considered already moved in. my husband and daughter haven't moved yet because they need to get some paperwork done before they can move here and stay long term. we are staying at my brother's place, which is in the same building as my mom's place. mom has employed a really nice lady for cleaning and now she's cooking for us as well. i feel i'm really super lucky. i've had so much support from stanley's family and my family. as a married daughter, canada is where i should be staying because my home is with stanley and his family. but my mom and bro welcomed me back. stanley is willing to make the move for me and his parents, sis, and bro-in-law are looking after evie for as long as we need them to. (the plan is to move evie here when i'm done and recovered from treatment.) everyone in the family supports us in every way we need, so that i can focus on getting better... i can never say enough "thank you" to everyone. i feel so sorry that my sickness is bringing so much trouble to all our families in canada and in taiwan. but such things are life. i'm thankful for living it.

back to reading thrillers..